I’m BAAACCCKKKKK….

No excuses.  Really, not one.  Oh, I have LOTS of reasons that I’ve been MIA, but if I tell you all of them, you would think I’m crazy.  And you would feel sorry for me.  Trust me, it’s nuts.  So… I won’t spend several minutes telling you all the amazing yet crazy things that have stolen my attention and sanity for the last few weeks.  Well, maybe one reason…

 

Life got busy at the end of the school year, and with everyday that passed without me writing, that little voice in my head got louder and louder.  You know that one.  The one that is always there, waiting for an opportunity to remind you of how much you don’t measure up.  Nevermind that what you’re not measuring up to is the impossible standard that you set for yourself.  The one that no one else expects you to meet.  Stupid little voice.

 

It started off quietly… Just a little nudge here and there.  “Are you SURE you want to spend your time writing this blog?  I mean, its hard to be that raw and honest.  You’re basically telling people what your everyday crazy looks like.”  And with each passing day it got louder and more convincing.. “You don’t have anything to say that anyone wants to hear.  You’re wasting your time.”  Then eventually it became another thing that I failed at.  “See, what did you expect?  You’ve never been good enough.  Just another failure to add to the list.”

 

So what did I do?  I’d like to tell you that I pulled up my big girl panties and sucked it up.  I’d like to tell you that I rebuked that voice and followed MY truth.  The REAL truth.  But this blog is about being honest, no matter how ugly.  I . GAVE . IN .   I gave up and I gave in and I allowed the lie of the enemy to become my reality.  I bathed my soul in lies.  And I forgot my WHY.  I forgot the reason I started this journey in the first place…

 

You see, it doesn’t matter if I’m interesting.  Or if people enjoy reading what goes on in my head and life.  This all started because comparison is the thief of joy.  It slaughters it.  Everywhere we turn, we see people doing life better than we are.  They have their pinterest drenched, facebook soaked, perfect masks on.  AND WE FALL FOR IT!!  We look at it through an already discontent mindset.  We go to these sites because of boredom or habit.  But really, the whole time, we’re comparing their “life” to ours.  “Look how skinny she is!  WOW!  She’s had a bunch of kids, and she looks amazing.  Why don’t I look like that?  That’s not fair!  I need to workout more.  That’s right, I’ll just workout and diet.  I’ll figure it out.  I’ll get there.”

 

But because we started off this whole endeavor with a spirit of discontent, instead of a grateful, full heart, we will not achieve our “goal” no matter what we do.  Even if we do lose a little weight, we still will compare ourselves to an even fitter person.  It just doesn’t end.  And we’ll always feel like a failure.  Houses, cars, relationships, it’s all just an opportunity for misery or joy.  And we get to decide, to choose.

 

That’s why I started writing.  Because this is a struggle in my life and surely I can’t be alone?  There have to be more people who feel like they never measure up, right?  And this sucks.  It feels awful.  Maybe by talking about it, we can mutually lift one another up.  Even just knowing you’re not the only one struggling against the veil of perfectionism.  Just knowing you’re not alone…

 

So, there it is.  There’s the REAL reason that I have been missing.  All the other drama that has owned my time and attention was just extra.  I’m not saying it’s been an easy couple of weeks.  Did I mention I have 7 kids?:)  I’m just saying I want to be honest.  And real.

 

So, I’m committing to showing up at least twice a week.  I’d love to up it to three, but I want to set REALISTIC goals.  I mean, it is the summer.  And all my kiddos are home all day.  And it’s REAL HOT here in Texas.  We have about a two hour window from when we wake up, before it’s unbearable.  After that, we’re talking permanent damage.  It’s bad.  Unless you’re a mosquito, then it’s heaven… 🙂